12 Hilarious (and Surprisingly Practical) Tips for Surviving a Nuclear Attack at Work

1. Hide Under A Desk To Protect Yourself From The Blast

Yes, it sounds ridiculous. A desk might seem about as useful as a paper umbrella in a rainstorm, but in the absence of better options, it could provide some protection. So, get under there and hope for the best.

2. Stockpile Coffee Like Your Life Depends on It

Because let’s be honest, it kind of does. Coffee has carried you through Monday mornings, impossible deadlines, and mind-numbing meetings. If it can get you through those, it can get you through nuclear fallout.

3. Raid the Vending Machine ASAP

If the blast occurs in the morning, there’s a chance the vending machine will still be full. But if it’s midday? You’re probably out of luck. Prepare to face your fate with a packet of prawn-flavoured crisps and a Bounty bar. Yuk!

4. Keep Alcohol In Your Desk Drawer

Coffee will wake you up, but alcohol? That’s what will really keep you going. It’s liquid courage in the literal sense. It may also slow down the effects of the radiation and help numb the pain.

5. Company Policies Are Null And Void

Remember all those workplace rules? The dress code, clocking in on time, or “no eating at your desk”? Forget them. In fact, forget HR altogether. You’ve got bigger problems now.

6. Deal With The Toxic Coworkers Who Survived Amongst The Toxic Fumes

Every office has them. And guess what? They’re probably still around. Refer to point 5: the rules don’t apply anymore, so get creative with how you handle them.

7. Your Past Is Irrelevant

Whatever skeletons you’ve been hiding in your closet—affairs, unpaid parking tickets, or even leaving a bar early to dodge a round—none of it matters anymore. The person who just dropped the nuke has way more to answer for.

8. Mental Health Issues Are Now Cured

Forget therapy, medication, or self-help books. Depression, anxiety, and stress pale in comparison to the challenge of surviving nuclear winter. Congratulations—you’ve officially “moved on.”

9. Humans Have Officially Replaced AI

The silver lining? All those fears about AI taking over were totally unfounded. No electricity means no AI. You’re back to pen and paper, assuming your hands still work.

10. Fitness And Beauty Standards Are Over

There’s no one left to impress. Forget Instagram, TikTok, or even a quick mirror check. No one cares what you look like anymore. Survival is the new sexy.

11. Play the Game of Courtesy: Set Your Out-of-Office Message

Just because the world is ending doesn’t mean you can’t be polite. Set your out-of-office reply to let people know you’re no longer around. It’s not like they’ll email you, but hey, it’s the thought that counts.

12. Game for the Last of Days

Pack a game in your desk drawer. Life might be ending, but who said you can’t pass the time with a coworker who may be barely alive?

In the unlikely event you survive a nuclear attack at work, remember: a little dark humour and a lot of caffeine might just get you through. Or at least, make the end a bit more tolerable. Good luck!