How to Write a Goodbye Email to a Toxic Workplace (Without Getting HR'd)

✉️ Disclaimer (Because HR Ruins Everything)

This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to real companies, coworkers, or soulless HR reps is purely coincidental… unless it’s not. Welcome to Office Bantomime, where corporate absurdity meets dark workplace comedy.

Dear Colleagues of the Damned,

It’s been a long time coming—but thanks to me, and no thanks to any of you, I’m finally escaping this beige purgatory masquerading as an office. For the past year, I’ve sat in a glorified cubicle, unsupported, underappreciated, and surrounded by the kind of energy that drains your will to live faster than the office Wi-Fi drops during Zoom calls.

Let’s get into it, shall we?

🧑‍💼 To My Spineless Boss

I remain genuinely amazed that you can walk upright without a spine. You’ve been as helpful as a chocolate teapot in a heatwave, and your leadership style can only be described as "micromanage from a safe emotional distance."

If charisma were currency, you'd be bankrupt.

👩‍💼 To HR: A Mystery Wrapped in Red Tape

I ask you only this: why do you exist?

You’ve managed to redefine the word "neutral" into something colder than the office fridge no one dares clean. You responded to my vacuuming complaint with the urgency of an MI6 investigation but ignored actual bullying with the enthusiasm of a sedated sloth.

🥤 To the Vending Machine Guy

You don’t even work here—and yet, you're the only one who ever asked me how I was doing. You, kind sir, are the MVP of this story. May your snacks always vend and your coins never jam.

🍩 On a Positive Note…

I’ve taken the liberty of disconnecting from the majority of you on LinkedIn. It's not personal. Oh wait—it is. You can reflect on that over your next free-doughnut feeding frenzy, which you’ll undoubtedly consume without offering a single crumb of gratitude.

I’m praying for your waistlines.

🎈 Let’s Talk About the Pranks

Ah yes. The office “banter.” Remember when you filled my drawers with polystyrene? Hilarious. Except it took me a week and two vacuum bags to clean. Then you had the audacity to report me to HR for the noise.

Keyboard keys rearranged, mouse sensors taped over, fake love emails to my boss (six times)? Peak comedy. Nothing says "team spirit" like undermining someone else’s professional credibility for a laugh.

💼 The Twist Ending: You’ll See Me Again

But next time? I won’t be your colleague.

I’ll be your client. That’s right—the one who signs the cheques, makes the demands and expects performance without the personality dysfunction. I look forward to watching you scramble to impress me while I sip coffee like a Bond villain.

Yours Not-So-Fondly,

[Redacted]
Former Doormat, Now Dominator

P.S. Take care and F*ck off. (Respectfully.)

🎯 Final Thoughts: Writing a Goodbye Email to a Toxic Job

While we don’t recommend actually sending a letter like this (unless you want to trend on LinkedIn for the wrong reasons), writing a fake goodbye email can be therapeutic. It helps reclaim a bit of your power after months—or years—of enduring toxic workplace behaviour.

If you’ve ever worked in a soul-sucking job and dreamed of walking out like a mic-dropping legend, you’re not alone. Just remember: healing starts with humour.