"Mastering the Art of Calling in Sick: Top 10 Tips for a Seamless Excuse"

The Monday Morning Dilemma

Picture this: It's a gloomy Monday morning, and the relentless downpour outside your window sounds like a freight train crashing through your dreams. The clock reads 7 a.m., but it might as well be the middle of the night.

You had no intention of partying like it was the end of the world last night, but that bottle of wine had other plans. Now, a sledgehammer seems to have taken up residence in your head, and the time has come to peel yourself out of bed.

But as you muster the courage to face the day, a brilliant thought dawns on you—it’s been ages since you played the "call in sick" card. The prospect of two extra hours of blissful slumber before dialling your boss fills you with an inexplicable joy.

Just as you’re about to drift back into dreamland, panic strikes. You realize that you now need a convincing excuse. Even when genuinely ill, you feel like you're weaving a web of deceit.

Fear not! We've got your back. In this guide, we’ll walk you through the art of calling in sick with finesse, including excuses to avoid and ten golden excuses crafted by the world’s top work avoiders.

Work Dodge List One: 10 Excuses to Avoid (or Use with Extreme Caution)

1. Tummy Upset

Takeaway: Overused and unconvincing, especially on a Monday.
A sudden stomach issue after the weekend raises suspicions. Unless you're hospital-bound, this excuse won’t fool anyone.

2. Flu

Takeaway: Too extreme for a single day off.
The flu usually keeps people bedridden for days. Recovering miraculously after 24 hours will raise eyebrows.

3. Headache

Takeaway: It's not serious enough for an entire day off.
Headaches can be resolved with painkillers, making this a weak excuse unless you claim a full-blown migraine.

4. Backache

Takeaway: Requires acting skills.
If you opt for this excuse, commit to the role. Show visible discomfort upon your return to avoid suspicions.

5. Flooded Kitchen

Takeaway: Work-from-home policies can ruin this one.
While an old favorite, bosses may expect you to work remotely while waiting for the plumber.

6. Rash

Takeaway: It won't stop you from working remotely.
Unless it's visibly spreading across your face, a rash isn’t a strong enough reason to take a full day off.

7. Hangover

Takeaway: Only use if you have dirt on your boss.
Unless you have leverage (like witnessing your boss’s questionable behavior at the office party), avoid this one.

8. Twisted Ankle

Takeaway: Requires commitment beyond a day.
If you use this, be prepared to limp around the office for a while. Otherwise, your credibility is shot.

9. Chickenpox

Takeaway: One-time use only.
You can’t get chickenpox twice, so be cautious about using this in a long-term job.

10. Mugged

Takeaway: Hard to fake convincingly.
Colleagues might ask for details or expect to see injuries. Unless you’re prepared for follow-up questions, avoid this one.

Work Dodge List Two: The Best Work Dodges on the Planet

1. The Liam Neeson Dodge

Takeaway: For those who love drama.
Pretend you’re hiding under your bed because intruders have broken in. If your boss has watched Taken, this might just work.

2. Bitten by a Dog

Takeaway: Best for multi-day absences.
Get creative with bandages and fake scars. Be prepared for curious colleagues wanting to see the "wound."

3. Final Destination

Takeaway: Unconventional but interesting.
Claim you’ve had a premonition about a train crash. Reference previous "foreseeings" for credibility.

4. Neighbor's Suicide Attempt

Takeaway: Highly emotional and tricky to question.
If you go this route, set alarms for "updates" to keep the story consistent.

5. Helping MI5 with a Terrorist Investigation

Takeaway: Bosses won't dare ask for details.
Simply say, "I’ve been called in to assist MI5." The mystery alone should do the trick.

6. Discovered You're Adopted

Takeaway: Tear-jerking excuse.
Break the news in a shaken voice and claim you need time to process this life-altering discovery.

7. Exorcism at Home

Takeaway: Hard to argue with supernatural interference.
Tell your boss an evil entity has locked you inside, disrupting your Wi-Fi and rendering you unable to work.

8. Soup Kitchen Emergency

Takeaway: A noble excuse that makes you look good.
Claim an urgent need to feed the homeless all day. Hard for anyone to dispute.

9. Car Fell into a Sinkhole

Takeaway: Too dramatic to question.
Explain how you’re physically fine but too shaken to work. No one will suggest a Zoom meeting.

10. Goldfish’s Terminal Cancer

Takeaway: So bizarre, it might just work.
Tell your boss your beloved goldfish, Goldie, has only days to live, and you need time to make his final moments special.

Final Thoughts

With this arsenal of creative excuses, you’re prepared for any unexpected need to call in sick. Just remember to use them wisely—your job might depend on it!