The Office Arse Licker: A Guide to The Workplace Brown-Noser and Boss Pleaser

Meet the Office Arse Licker: Every Workplace Has One Or Two, Even A Whole Goddam Team.

From the satirical series: Office Action Heroes (and Villains)
"This piece of work will do anything to get in the boss's good books, and nothing will get in their way"

Meet the Office Arse Licker: Every Workplace Has One—Sometimes a Whole Goddamn Department

From the satirical series: Office Action Heroes (and Villains)

"This character will do anything to stay in the boss's good books—and nothing (and no one) will get in their way."

🧼 Introduction

If you’ve worked in any kind of office—be it remote, hybrid, or in the trenches of cubicle life—you’ve undoubtedly encountered this slippery specimen:
Brown-noser. Boss whisperer. Shameless creep.

Introducing the Office Arse Licker—a person so devoid of pride, they’ll tongue their way into any promotion.

👀 Watch your back (and your front)—they’re coming for every inch of favour they can get. Lick. Lick.

👅 Who Is the Office Arse Licker?

Possibly the most insidious villain in the workplace saga. Highly untrustworthy. Desperate for validation. All praise must flow from the boss—and if you’re in the way? You won’t be for long.

Common Traits:

• Arrives early or stays late—strictly for boss time
• Hand-delivers lunch and ensures that coffee is always hot and waiting
• Leaps at every single task the boss utters—whether capable or not
• Sends updates outside of hours, sometimes during dinner (or from the bathroom)
• Nods like a bobblehead to everything the boss says—even if it's wrong, illegal, or just deeply stupid
• Laughs at all the boss’s jokes… loudly… even the ones about spreadsheets
• Refers to the boss as a “great leader” unironically
• Prints out inspirational quotes and leaves them on the boss’s desk
• Mysteriously always knows when the boss’s birthday is (and buys a card for “everyone” to sign)

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🤝 Why Every Office Has (At Least) One

While many climb the ladder with grit and grind, this one does it by greasing the rungs with lip gloss. They're not necessarily lazy—they just need to be adored.

Why They Stick Around:

• Reaps rewards from being the boss’s favourite lapdog
• Magically nails every performance review, regardless of actual performance
• Salary jumps? Green-lit.
• Team projects? Somehow, they’re “leading” them all
• The boss says their name, and their face lights up like a romantic comedy climax

🧷 Surviving the Office Arse Licker: Practical Tips

Let’s be clear: this character may throw you under the bus to maintain their lick-tastic lifestyle. You’ll need a strategy.

✅ Track everything – Let them pucker up, but monitor their behaviour closely to ensure you're not collateral damage
✅ Document incidents – Keep a diary of any shady moments or dodgy work ethics
✅ Speak up – Any blatant favouritism? Escalate to another manager or HR before things escalate on their own
✅ Outshine, don’t out-sleaze – Show your value with action and integrity. Be the antidote to the brown-nosing
✅ Form alliances – Chances are, you're not the only one they’ve irritated. There’s strength in numbers
✅ Neutralise with humour – Sometimes a well-timed eye-roll or sarcastic comment goes further than an official complaint

🗣️ Share Your Office Arse Licker Sightings

Worked with one? Watching one in real-time?
Or… gulp… are you one? 😬

👉 Spill the tea. Drop your most jaw-dropping #WorkplaceAbsurdities moments in the comments or tag @OfficeBantomime.

Let’s call them out—one overly moisturised arse kisser at a time.