Why is my boss a results-driven Lunatic?
Because results mean prizes
We've all encountered difficult bosses at some point in our professional lives. But have you ever wondered why some bosses seem to be completely consumed by results? They're like data-obsessed maniacs, eagerly showcasing their numbers to impress their seniors and make themselves feel like the star pupil of the organization.
It's as if they believe their worth as a human being is directly proportional to the numbers of a spreadsheet.
Imagine your boss strutting into a meeting, armed with a dazzling slide show that could rival any animated production Pixar had ever produced. With a smug grin plastered across their face, they proudly present the monthly results, showcasing and claiming sales figures that have skyrocketed to record-breaking heights.
They almost feel as if they should take a bow as if at a theatrical performance while their peers clap with applause client feedback so positive that it could make a shark shed a tear of joy. But here's the pie in the face – they probably had zero involvement in achieving those results.
You see, these bosses have mastered the art of taking credit for other people's hard work. They're like wizards, waving their wands of PowerPoint presentations and voila! Suddenly, they're the ones being praised and lauded for the achievements of their team.
It's like watching a magic trick, except instead of pulling a rabbit out of a hat, they're pulling sales figures out of thin air.
To be fair, this is quite the achievement. It's not just bosses who are afflicted by this results-driven madness.
It's a widespread epidemic that infects individuals from all walks of life. From politicians who promise to deliver a utopia but end up with a can of worms, to salespeople who could sell ice to an Eskimo, and even those traffic wardens who diligently patrol the streets, armed with their ticket books and a stern look on their faces.
But let's cut them some slack, shall we? These results-driven nutcases sincerely believe that the secret to success lies within the mystical realm of numbers and slideshow presentations.
They've chugged the Kool-Aid and fully embraced the notion that data is the almighty savior of professional validation. It's like they're on a mission to collect every metric known to humankind, treating them as if they were precious trading cards.
They'll dive headfirst into those numbers, treating them like a five-star chef preparing a gourmet meal.
They'll slice, dice, and juggle those figures with more finesse than a circus performer on a unicycle. And when the time comes to present their findings, brace yourself for a visual extravaganza. Pie charts, bar charts, line graphs, and a kaleidoscope of vibrant colors will dance across the screen, hypnotizing the audience into thinking that they single-handedly conjured up this financial success. Not their team.
In the mind of a results-driven lunatic, the means are irrelevant as long as the ends are dazzling. They don't care if their team is falling apart, stressed out of their minds, sacrificing their social lives, or surviving on a diet of coffee and sheer determination.
As long as those numbers keep climbing, they'll sleep soundly at night, dreaming of pie charts and bar graphs dancing in their heads.
So, the next time you find yourself face-to-face with a boss who is more obsessed with results than a squirrel hoarding acorns, remember that it's all part of their grand delusion.
They may be nuttier than a fruitcake, but at least they're entertaining. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show as they perform their magical act of taking credit for your hard work. After all, who needs a boss who's actually involved when you can have a boss who thinks they're the star of their very own data-driven circus?
James Mason
